Thursday, March 4, 2010

The Acceptance Speech

I will confess, I am obsessed with Red Carpet & Award shows. It’s almost as exciting as Thursdays around here when my People Magazine arrives. I said almost. But I do prepare. I prepare like some of you guys prepare for the Superbowl or the World Series. It’s a calendar entry, and an alarm set on the Batphone. Work stops and I hunker down in a comfy pair of Nappies with whatever nibbles I happen to be obsessed with that particular week.

I love seeing all the movie stars arrive on the Red Carpet in their glamorous gowns, dripping in diamonds and being asked silly questions such as, “Who are you wearing?” I half-listen, but I what I really want them to do is get inside & get the show rolling so I can hear The Acceptance Speeches. That’s why I watch.

I’m always waiting for The Acceptance Speech to end all Acceptance Speeches. The one that is going to rock my world. The one that is going to convince me that Hollywood isn’t completely filled with a bunch of liberal, overindulged and conceited morons. There have been a few good speeches over the years. Mo’Nique was impressive at the Golden Globes this year. She is on the list of The Jodes favorites so far this award season. She may end up in the Top 10. We’ll see, the Big One is on this Sunday, the Academy Awards.

I think it would be fun to be a movie star for a day so I could have a gorgeous gown, be dressed in carats and carats of Tiffany jewels and carry a purse worth more than my current home. I want to have a staff for a day, be pampered, waxed, spa’d and ride in a limo drinking Veuve Clicquot to an awards show. Once there, I’d have to win. I already have my Acceptance Speech.

Recently, I jumped the gun a bit when my CPA said I was in the running for this year’s Client Accountant Award. In my excitement, I thought he said I’d won. So, I sent him off The Acceptance Speech and was sad to learn afterwards I was still in the running. You see, it still comes down to the cookies. So, while the cookies are being whisked by Fedex to Martin Grassi CPA, and while they taste and decide my fate, I’ll let you read The Acceptance Speech.

Let me know if you think if it should come down to a decision based upon the cookies.

Dear Scott Martin, CPA

Thank you for this award!

I would like to begin by thanking all the lazy Americans & illegal immigrants who don't pay their bills, the people who live beyond their means, those who declare bankruptcy when their extravagant lifestyles become too "hard" to pay for, people who suck off the system, get free college for their kids, go to churches & food banks for free food, live on food stamps, use federal funding to support their cigarette, alcohol and drug habits, those who get free medical care for all the exorbitantly expensive medical problems caused by their poor lifestyle habits and excessive pregnancies, and those who won't work a hard, honest job because they make more money on welfare.

I sure don't want to leave out thanking the richer-than-me-liberals (and celebrities who think I care about their uneducated opinions) who have dreamt up all the programs my exhausted, hard working husband is contributing to each day so all the irresponsible and lazy Americans and illegals can enjoy their free ride. They are teaching their spawn to also partake in these idiotic "benefits" and feel entitled to the luxuries of America, because dammit, it's the land of the free. FREE!

All the lazy Americans, illegals and people who feel entitled to "free everything" inspired me to just get the tax refund that is rightfully mine.

So, Scott, I accept the "Honorary 2009 Tax Season Client Accountant" award because I worked myself ragged for the past two months finding & researching every last penny we spent... actually paying our bills, paying for our family medical care, our mortgage, property taxes, fully paying for two children's college bills, charities we donated to, and for the food and other things we bought. Last but not least, for the insurance we paid for ...because we don't expect the federal government to come in and take care of us in the event of something catastrophic.

Love Jodes


  1. Oh my - harboring any resentments Jodes? Remind me NEVER to get on your "list"! : ) xoxo Beezer

  2. Hey Jodi,

    Just had to pass along Jack's reply when I read this too him "Here! Here" he loved your blog and agreed with me that you are a fantastic writer. Keep the blogs coming you are so great at what you do.

    Nancy Benson

  3. I'm sorry, how in the world could you have not have WON right off with this speech?!?! By far the most fabulously written, well spoken speech in the history of speeches!!! This IS the speech to end all speeches, you did it, what you need to do now is go dust off a shelf for your award, go ahead, get the pledge...